Now and Then .

 

Growing up, I never thought I was different or odd. But now I ask myself many times if I am?

Do everyone go through this ?

I never had any dreams or ambitions as long as I can remember. I daydreamed a lot . I talked to myself and dreamed but those dreams were not about going places or being someone . It was small dreams , talking to people having fun etc. 

I did not realize it back then but I never put an effort to study either. I slept very early every night , I read a lot of novels and do not remember studying or working hard. But I got good grades. It could have been the school I went to. We had good teachers and we were not encouraged to mug up which worked in my favor . For the Class 10 board exams, I was the top scorer even in a state level.

That sounds good , doesn't it ? Except it had its flaws. Until today, I have never put an effort into anything and it never affected me until I realized that it did in a hard way. When I started work , I barely knew programming languages or computers because I took a different stream in college . But I could cope up really well because I always loved puzzles and algorithms. That helped me in coding and I did good. 

Then I got married and my little cat was born. I rejoined work when he was 6 months old because we had the support system (parents and in-laws) . I had to work because I could not imagine life without it. I loved my job and never felt it was a pain. Instead it helped me be sane . But I loved being with my Jimba cat. I would rush home in the lunch hours and evening . I would skip calls , I did not bother about doing good. When I look back , I know that I was able to get away with it because I had already made a name for myself. So no one really took it in a bad way. 

But I stopped learning. Around that time , the industry changed dramatically. Cloud computing became the rage, start ups popped up everywhere and new technologies became a norm . I did not even realize it . I kept doing what I was used to doing , I was happy I could stop my work at 3 :30 PM and walk to school to pick up kiddo . I was happy that the cat and I could go for long walks and long bike rides. I was happy and content. I argued with myself and assured myself that people never find this kind of pure happiness. 

Today , I am not sure about all that. I was pushed into the new tech's which I could do but not with the confidence that I used to have . I cannot imagine switching my job. I am scared. I know I have made my name here and I am well respected. I think I do not deserve it. I cannot concentrate and I cannot grasp everything which makes me unhappy. 

And to add to it , I realized recently that my brain can never relax. I never liked watching TV I always preferred books. Recently, I started forcing myself to watch some highly rated movies and shows. Because I feel very odd when others discuss it.  I also find it very difficult to fly in airplanes. Or got to salons. Recently , I realized that I need to be thinking or doing something always. And that is making me feel that I am odd. I wonder if I am different or if everyone is like that.  It would have been ok , but it keeps increasing . It is affecting me because I cannot attend calls which are slightly boring. I lose my attention. And though these may seem trivial , they are affecting my self confidence a lot. 

I decided that I have to do something about it and I am not contemplating switching my career. I do not want to be an Architect any more. I am tired of researching and reading . I am tired of analyzing tools and technologies. I want to code. I want to play with the algorithms and be happy in what I do. I am still thinking. The lack of concentration is not helping me arrive at decisions.